Alright, so… Oscars. I guess they are happening this Sunday. Jon Stewart will be hosting again, which is the only conceivable reason I can come up with for watching this stupid fucking affair as opposed to just checking out the results Monday morning. Let’s just look at some of the categories.

Best Picture:
Michael Clayton
There Will Be Blood
No Country For Old Men
Atonement
Juno

Probably between No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood. Atonement blah blah blah period drama blah blah blah I made a whoopsie who gives a fuck. Juno was cute and funny, but it has about as good a chance of winning as you do of not getting your milkshake drank all up by Daniel Day Lewis. The odds are not in your favor. I missed Michael Clayton, even though it was supposed to be good. Fuck you. I dug No Country For Old Men over There Will Be Blood, so I’m pretty sure TWBB will take the Oscar. Oh, and let’s not forget how horribly Zodiac is getting snubbed just because it came out early in the year, not to mention Eastern Promises, Gone Baby Gone, or Grindhouse (come the fuck on it’s two movies in one, how do you not nominate that shit).

Best Actor:
George Clooney - Michael Clayton
Viggo Mortensen - Eastern Promises
Johnny Depp - Sweeny Todd
Tommy Lee Jones - In The Valley Of Elah
Daniel Day-Lewis - There Will Be Blood

Easily Daniel Day-Lewis. Henry Plainview is an evil motherfucker, plain and simple. Of course, I’d love to see Viggo Mortensen win because David Cronenberg is a badass and everything he touches turns to awesome.

Best Supporting Actor:Casey Affleck - The Assassination Of Jesse etc.
Javier Bardem - No Country For Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman - Charlie Wilson’s War
Hal Holbrook - Into The Wild
Tom Wilkinson - Michael Clayton

Javier Bardem without a doubt. Casey Affleck just comes off as a whiny pussy goth kid before goth kids were even invented in The Assassination Of etc. Also, fuck that movie for having a title that long. I didn’t see the other three, so they must have been garbage.

Best Actress:a bunch of women

Ellen Page wins, because Juno was the only one I saw.

Best Supporting Actress:even more women

I’m going to go with Cate Blanchett in I’m Not There, just because from what I saw it looked excellent, and she looked like a dude which I’m sure is how she got out of the kitchen in the first place to make this movie.There is your quick guide to betting on the Academy Awards and making a shitload of money. If you do, you have me to thank, and if you don’t, send your bills to Cancer because that motherfucker asked me to write this shit.

Tags: fuck, Gila Faps to Movies, juno, no country for old men, oscars, shit

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