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THE VT » Blog Archive » The Chronicles of My Life, Part 2: The Neighborhood Legends

The Chronicles of My Life, Part 2: The Neighborhood Legends


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I grew up in Bayside, a small town of Northeast Queens, NYC. I live in a pretty good middle-class neighborhood, but since I still after all live in Queens, there are many characters. Here are some of the craziest people I have grew up with and my encounters with them.

When you talk about Bayside, Queens, most people know and think of Tyrone. He’s a middle aged black guy who’s lived here probably most of his life. He used to smoke dust and did a whole bunch of other drugs back in the day. His mind is fucked up and you can obviously notice he’s had a crazy past. He’s a little fucked in the head nowerdays, but he’s still a cool ass guy who for the most part understands what’s going on around him. I’ve known Tyrone since I was a little kid, and he’s a very nice guy. He’s the one person who would buy beers for EVERYONE, no matter how young you are. Supposedly, he studies ninja and samurai philosophy and claims to be a black belt. We call him the “shadowlord” because one minute he’s hanging out with you, and the next minute he’s disappeared into the thin air. He’s known by everyone in the neighborhood, and does jobs for everyone to make a quick buck whether it’s lawn work or building your stoop. This guy drinks so much Old English and Colt 45, i swear that he probably eats his cereal with malt liquor. What most people do not know, is this guy will beat the shit out of anyone in a split second. I have seen him drop kick people, knock people out with one hit, and otherwise make people like Chuck Norris and Van Damme look like pussy’s.


Tyrone was known for rolling through with a new bicycle pretty much every month. He hooks his bikes up to the fullest, and takes very good care of them. As I said before, he is obsessed with ninjas and the martial arts. If you’ve ever seen the movie Ghost Dog with Lawrence Fishburne…that’s the easiest way I could explain Tyrone. One day when I was maybe 14, he came threw to the park on his bike which back then had a radio hooked up the back. All the kids loved Tyrone and would get hype whenever he would roll to the park bumping some new songs. We look at him rolling along down the block and notice something…he is dressed head to toe in a complete ninja outfit, katana on his back and the whole nine yards. Everyone started bursting into laughter as Tyrone rode by as calmly and normally as possible. That must of been the most random and funniest thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life. A couple years later, the cops rolled up on us at the park drinking beers and he was arrested for carrying three ninja stars in his pocket. Tyrone….the ghetto ninja.

Now when you speak of Tyrone, you most also speak of his cousin Tony. This guy is the biggest compulsive lier I have ever met in my entire life. He has one leg which was amputated after he owed some people money and got dragged by a car down Bell Boulevard. This guy hangs out at the park every day with the local kids and tells stories of how his leg got blown off in the Gulf War. This guy has literally lied about everything on the face of the earth. He one hung out at the bar with us and invited the whole entire bar to his “boat”, which literally did not exist. We waited at the marina for 3 hours until 6 in the morning when everyone who wasn’t a complete fool finally realized this stupid idiot was once again lying out of his fucking ass. This guy has made up lies, from telling me he owed a strip club in Connecticut, to having three cars even though every time I see him he’s broke and on foot(how can even drive with ONE FUCKING LEG). This guy has pretty much lied about everything he has ever told me or anyone else I can think of. He does not own anything at all, and lives with his mother. He has told me stories about all the guns he owns, how he has pounds of weed in his house, and thousands of Oxycontins which he was going to give to me for free…yet he’s still broke every night asking me if I could buy him a $1.25 beer. This guy is obsessed with lying and just really tries to look cool in front of little kids.

Now the next person I’m about to introduce we call “Doc”. This guy is also another old black guy, probably even older then Tyrone and Tony, about 55. Doc lies about everything and exaggerates out of his ass but it’s different because he’s a crackhead and doesn’t seriously try to get you to believe him. It’s like you know he’s making everything up but it’s just so funny because Doc is genuinely one of the funniest people I have ever met, who has never actually tried to be comedic. This guy drinks beers 24/7 and doesn’t really do much as far as I’m concerned. He hits on little girls claiming they’d love his “alabama black snake”, and sounds like the blackest person you’ve ever met in your life. He’s always making me laugh with his randomness, such as yelling random shit like “Vietnam, Charlie in the trees!” even though he’s never been in the army. One time he told me he shot someone at Frightfest in Six Flags because someone jumped out of the bushes to scare him and said “This ain’t no mothafuckin’ Vietnam!” He’s told me so many unbelievably crazy stories that honestly, with his crazy ass life who knows whats fact and fiction. He’s always talking about the bitches he gets and fucks, and even though you know he’s lying, it’s worth listening to his stories because of the way he tells it and how funny he just sounds. He will probably live in Bayside for the rest of his life, and will probably end up dying here. I could go on and on about these three characters, but my stories wouldn’t be as funny unless you were actually present.

One day I was with all three of these old black guys hanging out drinking in the park. I was bored, and honestly hearing the stupidity and stories from these old-timers are worth it. The police pull up on us as we’re drinking and give us all tickets. One cop comes up to us and asks me, “why in the world is a 16 year old white kid hanging out with three black guys old enough to be your grandfather?” I didn’t respond, but I remember hysterically laughing as hard as I could. I don’t know why until I understood the awkwardness of the situation. One cop searches Tyrone, and finds two ninja stars and some Japanese martial arts book…he gets arrested.

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