• MONDAY-Mondays usually suck the worst, since that’s the day every women starts her period and a large swarm of bees attack an Orphanage. I forgot what happened here last monday, but I’m sure it wasn’t that epic to distract me from the fact the streets were filled with blood and some orphans were sad.

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The iPhone is the coolest piece of shit on the planet. I should know since I own one, and that makes me an expert. I’ll break down some of my favorite features of this marvel of technology for you.

• Receiving Pictures. If someone sends you a picture from their phone to your iPhone, you get this awesome secret jumble of numbers and letters and a password that you need to take to a web site and input to see whatever newest cock shot your friend just sent you. This eliminates that annoying feature older phones used of simply looking at your phone to see what picture someone has sent you.

• Stock Market Button. The ability to instantly see what the stock market did today. This is a great feature for someone like me, who loves looking at confusing numbers and a graph and never really understanding what i just looked at. It’s also great for fast paced business men, who can look at their money without using the web browser, because as you know, business men hate using their fingers two extra times to see stocks.

• The Headphone/mic cord. This is totally one of my favorite features. If you’re rocking out to some slayer, you can answer your phone without removing the ear piece or putting the actual phone to your ear. You just click answer and enjoy the strange looks people give you while you have a conversation with a white cord hanging from your ear. Oh, and if you want to plug your iPhone into a stereo so you can listen to your favorite tunes on hi-fi, guess what? You can’t. For some reason all other head phone/stereo plug things don’t work with the iPhone. That’s great, because i really don’t want my stereo answering the phone.

Another great marvel of technology I love is the rascal chair/scooters. Since fat people have absolutely no way of ever losing weight and I’m sure it’s hard enough for them to get from one pile of food to the next on their own, this is a great piece of technology for them. Now they can glide down and crowd sidewalks with ease. No annoying exercise or use of unnecessary body movements like walking are needed. They can just ease their asses into the seat, turn the key, and press forward on the joy stick. Again, let me outline some of my favorite features.

• Bus schedule control. Since public city busses are always early, the fat ass in his scooter getting on the bus will totally put said bus back on schedule. By having to wait for the ramp to come down, then trying to three point park into the designated fat ass cart area, and then having to be buckled in allows 5-10 minutes of quiet reading time and reflection for the other passengers who would of otherwise been burdened by the noise of the bus moving towards it’s destination.

• It moves old people!!! Not just fat people can enjoy the scooter chair, old people can too. Since old people are natural whiz kids when it comes to technology, they should have no problem figuring out how to use a complicated moving device. They’ll be buzzing from the pharmacy to the 10 items or less line with their 12 boxes of epson salt in no time.

ADVANCED WARS: DAYS OF RUIN Days of ruin sounds like the name of some shitty creed sounding band. One where the lead singer is slightly over weight and will eventually be crushed by the bands commercial success and end up in a hotel room with four hundered dollars worth of blow and a transvestite named Lady Diamnodz. All their videos would be filmed on a hill top with some ominous trees in the back ground while the band gets their hair and clothes blow by a strong wind. Also, each of their song titles and albums will have names suggesting deep loss and regret, like, My new coffin or, A familiar tear. I, of course, will ignore them and make fun every chance I get until that glorious day when they break up after a huge scandal involving a lawyer, six blow jobs, and a destroyed tour bus simply to laugh, then go about my day. I’m not usually one to wish, or laugh, at people’s failures and distress…unless they’re a shitty fucking band of ass holes living in castles paid for by idiots who buy whatever CD is at the “New” music kiosk at wal-mart. Then I get large amounts of pleasure at watching their careers and lives do a Hindenburg. If this band actually existed and all that I just described transpired; The rise to fame. The money and women. The huge mansions covered in treasure. The music videos directed by art school drop outs. Then at the Hight of it all, They loose everything. The money, the free blow jobs, the towers of golden covered diamonds. I would have an extra hard laugh because then the name “Days Of Ruin” would then be Ironic.

 Hey, once i figure it out, they’ll be here…